FUTURE REVIEW: INFINITY WAR PART 3

Hello! It’s mad scientist here!

I decided to film myself with one of those camera things for my latest review! Check it out:

FUTURE FILM REVIEW: SOLO – A Star wars story

SOLO: A Star wars movie (Future Review)

 

Hello! It’s me, Mad Scientist! I’m back… back for more reviews! Well, just the one actually. This time, I decided to see one of those War movies, one of those ones set in the stars. The latest one wasn’t out yet, apparently called ‘Solo’ and was a prequel-sequel-reboot about some guy called Han. I decided it was worth checking out, so instead of waiting for its release (sometime in May, I believe) I decided to head to the past. I had been informed that these Star Wars took place many years ago, in a galaxy that wasn’t local. It seemed like a bit of a Star-trek, but I decided it was worth it to see these wars live.

It took months, rebuilding my time machine to be capable of space travel too. It was a lot of hassle, and space travel wasn’t really my area of expertise, so I was just winging it, and getting through a lot of supplies and totally willing test subjects.

Eventually I managed to build the new time machine, it was pretty similar to the last one, except for a massive rocket strapped to the back of it. I do now have to warn people on the road when I’m about to set off, as it will incinerate any cars or people right behind it within several feet. It is rather awkward when that happens, but fortunately, I’ve been able disappear quickly after any incidents and avoid all repercussions. That’s the handy use of a time machine.

The second problem I faced was trying to find the galaxy it was set in. My sources for this were quite vague about it, just telling me that it was far far away. I tried to explain that I didn’t give a damn how far away it was, just give me a darn address! Eventually, with a bit of lighthearted intense interrogation of a fan of the star war movies, I got a rough guideline of how to get there.

Finally, I was ready to make my trip. Some foolish fools might claim that it would have been less time consuming to just wait until May, considering it took me over a year to prepare for my journey, but ignore them! This was all for science! Probably… maybe… It.. It’s hard to remember why I decided to go on this trip through space, its been too long. Far too long… I was travelling the universe for years… alone… just a potato with a face on it for company. Its name was Terry.

Anyway, I might be getting a little distracted from this review. I hear I do that sometimes. It turned out, that there were no actual Star Wars in reality. The films are actually fictional and I’d wasted years of my life trying to go see them live. Would have been nice to have known that beforehand, but alas I had to reluctantly return to Earth and time travel to May 2018 to see that ‘Solo’ film. I don’t even know why I wanted to see it anymore, I don’t even like Star Wars!

So, in May it turns out that as a marketing technique, the screenings of the ‘Solo’ film are only open to one person at a time, to allow audiences to experience the film on their own. The ‘Solo’ Experience. Top tip from the future, you might want to book well in advance, otherwise you will be waiting forever to see the film. I don’t know what they were thinking, having only one person in a massive screening room. Surely that’s bad for business? But, I’m not an accountant, I’m a scientist. So, what do I know?

I decided to fall back onto my old pal Science, for a solution to this wait. I would have just used the time machine to skip to when it was my turn to see the film, but I’d crashed it on the journey, due to the massive rocket on the back making it rather difficult to slow down and stop. But, I’m not a one trick scientist. I had other wacky inventions to use! For example, my invisibility ray gun.

I pointed it at myself (Because it fires backwards) and turned all of the other people in the queue invisible! That way, it looked like I was the only one waiting to see the film and I could run in and see it…

Unfortunately, it turned out that I wasn’t actually holding my invisibility ray gun. I was holding my incinerator ray gun. Everyone was dead. Flames everywhere. It was rather horrific.

My trip to see ‘Solo’ was delayed once again, as I was taken to court and sentenced for life for all those inconvenient murders. Luckily, it was the perfect chance to test out one of my faulty inventions. It was a cloning machine, with one strange side effect. The clone comes out perfectly, but- is stuck permanently in a prisoner outfit. I could never figure out how to fix that bug, but now it had its purpose. I did the classic switch-a-roo and had my clone sent to prison for me. I just hope he doesn’t spend his life sentence plotting his elaborate revenge.

I had to book yet another ticket to see ‘Solo’ on my own. Luckily not many people wanted to see the film, after rumours spread of people bursting into flames whilst waiting to see it, so I managed to get in to the screening room right away!

 

Summary (WARNING SPOILERS):

The film is apparently set in a galaxy far away, in the past. But, do not be fooled into travelling back in time and across galaxies to see if this is true, I learnt that the hard way. It follows this guy, who I assume was called Han Solo. It was never made clear in the film, as every time (Just like the trailers implied) people asked what his name was, or even if he was just introducing himself, it would cut to the opening titles. The film cut to those opening titles over and over again. At least 24 times the words ‘SOLO: A star wars story’ appeared on the screen. It was rather distracting and really took away from heartfelt moments.

The most inappropriate time, was when his friend, a dog’s chew toy that is now a living, talking, giant creature, had to confess a dark secret near the end of the film. It was him who kidnapped that pilot school instructor and forced him to give Mr. Solo a licence to be a space pilot. It was a tragic moment, as Solo realised that he was only a pilot because of the actions of his friend, and not because of his own skill and talent. I thought that the fact that he crashed each and every space ship they tried to fly was a bit of a clue, but it was still a shocking moment. A shocking reveal, that was interrupted four times in a row, as Chewie kept trying to say ‘solo’ and got interrupted by the opening titles.

Speaking of Chewie, this film was actually far focused on his backstory, than the titular character. The film shows Han as a little boy being given a pet doggie for his birthday. But, the dog is a bit grumpy and never wants to play. So, Han finds himself playing games with the chew toy instead, using his imagination to pretend that the dog’s toy was the dog. It was rather sad to watch and quite an impactful flashback.

During the flashback, Han is approached late at night, whilst his parents are asleep, by a mysterious alien (An Alien I’m certain should be on some sort of list), who decides to grant him a wish. Han wishes that the chew toy was real! And, just like Pinocchio (But not really in any way except for the fact that an inanimate object becomes a living being), the chew toy comes to life, becoming the loveable hairy bear creature thing from the original Star War movies.

The rest of the movie is more like a road trip in space, which reminded me a lot of my travels with Terry the potato. It was quite sad actually, to be reminded of those days. I didn’t have a magical, pervy alien visit me and make Terry real. I felt like the film was rubbing that fact in my face a bit.

Chewie and Solo meet a range of wacky characters along their journey, crashing space ship after space ship. There didn’t seem to be a specific goal in mind, which is odd for a road trip movie. But, it was action packed at least.

The shocking reveal from Chewie comes right near the end of the film, and is followed by a ten minute long montage of Solo training Solo (Himself) to be an actual pilot, and earn his licence the honest way. He succeeds and heads off to do some pod racing, just like he is famous for in the movies.

The final shot of the movie though, was quite a game changer. It hints that perhaps Chewie is just a figment of his imagination. It isn’t entirely clear if this is the case or not, keeping it vague and up for interpretation. But, you do realise that no one else has every interacted with Chewie directly. It’s certainly one for the fan theorists.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS

I was feeling a little lonely during the film, as the marketing ensured I was the only one in the cinema. They even take away your phone, so you cannot even call anyone during it. It certainly added to the overall theme of the film, about isolation and independence. I still think it was a bit on the nose to make the main character be called Solo and be alone. Even more alone when you consider the fact that Chewie might not really exist. The film reminded me a lot of my quiet, lonesome journeys through space, and really struck a chord with me.

I did feel as if someone was watching me throughout the entire film though, I sure hope it wasn’t my evil clone….

Till next time,  GOODBYE!!!!

Future film review: Infinity War

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR (A future review)

Hello! It’s me! Your old pal, Mad Scientist. We haven’t actually met before. In fact, you’re a random stranger, reading this new-fangled Blog on one of those fancy new-fangled websites, possibly via a laptop, or a tablet, or maybe your phone whilst you’re venturing into the bathroom. But, regardless, you may not know it yet, but in the future, we become great friends! That’s right! I’m a time traveller, and I’m here to save humanity from the chaos of future chaotic stuff! It’s all very complicated and very serious, and I have no time for friendships. In fact, forget everything I said about being your old pal. You’re dead to me now. I’m not going to meet you in the future. I’m far too busy saving the world. Our friendship is over before it even began! Get off my back! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Hmm, now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, it’s time to discuss important matters. Film reviews! From the future! I’m far too busy to be sitting around waiting for the latest films to come out, so whilst I’m out saving the world from tears in the space time continuum, I like to take a nice break every once in a while and watch a movie ahead of schedule.

This time, I decided to head off to April of 2018 and watch that ‘Avengers: Infinity War’. Now, as you would have known as my dear, lifelong friend (If I hadn’t wiped our friendship from the timeline), I’m a big Marvel fan. And by that, I mean I haven’t seen a single marvel film in my entire life, not even that one with Will Smith in it (The drunk superhero one, not the some sort of suicide squad one), and so I entered the film feeling rather lost and confused. But, after a cinema attendant guided me to my seat, I was no longer confused or lost and was ready to watch the movie with my review hat on. It’s a stylish little hat, with big neon flashing letters that spell out review on it. It’s what all the cool movie reviewers wear in the future, trust me. It’s totally not a trend I’m trying to get off the ground.  Am I rambling? I feel like I might be rambling. Ah well, let’s begin.

 

Summary (WARNING SPOILERS):

Infinity war starts off with Mr. Iron Man (Famous from the trilogy of films that apparently have him as the main character in it) having found the last of a few glowing rocks. He laughs about how it would have been super exciting to have had three or four movies to detail the adventures he and his rag tag gang of superheroes went through to get these stones, before looking into the camera directly and his smile fading, a tear in his eye, a glum look on his face.

From that look I knew, that not three or four, but five and six prequel films were in the works already, with plans for the first one to be released in about five years time. To double check if his look was right, I slipped out of the cinema, ran to my time machine and jumped ahead in time. It was true, in the year 2030, I sat through all the films. They were okay, not worthy of a review each, but enjoyable. I’m not sure if they were entirely relevant or helped contextualise the Infinity war film from 2018 all that much, so I might have wasted a lot of my time. Regardless, I returned to 2018 at the exact time I had left it and was about to walk back in when I was stopped. Stopped by the very same attendant that had helped me to my seat before.

“Excuse me sir, can I see your ticket, please?” they asked me, with a blank, lifeless stare. I frowned, baffled that he seemed to have already forgotten me. I laughed and tried to explain. But it was no use, I wasn’t going to be allowed into the screening room, not without a ticket. I searched my pockets, I ran back and searched the time machine, but it was gone! I must have dropped it! My trip to 2030 had taken five days to get through all the prequels! I was never going to find it. There was only one thing to do. I had to go back… back to about half hour before Infinity War started.

In the past (Well, the future for you guys), I spotted my foolish, idiotic, ticket loosing past-self walking towards the cinema. Oh how I despised that scum bag. I grabbed my ray gun and after distracting him with a song and dance routine- I shot him in the face! He exploded. I didn’t care about the potential paradoxes. He had lost my ticket and now he had to pay!

Or… as it turned out, it was actually me (Future me) that had to pay. The ticket was in my past-selves pocket and exploded alongside him.  So, defeated, I had to head into the cinema and reluctantly purchase a second ticket.

By the time I had managed to get a new ticket, I’d already missed about half the film. But, I’m sure it wasn’t too vital to the plot, and I won’t let it affect my review. I’m a professional after all, it says so on the hat, in smaller, non-flashing letters.

 

So, previously in the summary of the film, Mr. Iron Stan had made a comedic remark about prequels and was juggling the glowing stone things. Now, I only missed 40 minutes of the movie, but suddenly he didn’t have the stones, in fact- this big purple guy had them and he had put them all into this glove like contraption that most people call a glove. Mr. Ironic was now half naked, in a golden bikini and chained up, being led around by this purple guy (I later found out that his name was Purple Infinity. It never came up in any of the prequel films, or the rest of the film. Only at one point did his name get mentioned, and that was in the first 40 minutes, so I missed it).

The rest of the Avengers were all pretty glum about their friend Mr. Ironing board being captured, and were planning out a scheme. They needed to get everyone, even some of the bystanders from the other films. It was all rather elaborate. The scheme was apparently going to involve a giant wooden horse, disguised as a even bigger glove with even more brightly glowing rocks on it, to lure the purple guy into a trap.

The rest of the film was a bit of a blur, non stop action, non stop dancing and non stop slightly witty one liners. They even had a cameo from the creator of the original comics: Louie Theroux.

A surprise reunion between Mr. Iron-Fist and Captain America lead to an intense argument about something that must have happened at the start of the film, but then a sudden jump cut to the morning after, implies that they made up.

The film was rather confusing at times, with all sorts of wacky characters showing up for usually only one scene and then suddenly leaving again, usually with a wink and a nod to the camera.

The film ends with a bit of a cliff hanger. It’s only a bit, because the Big purple guy is so big (And so purple, but I’m not sure how relevant that is), that despite hanging from a cliff, his feet were pretty much on the ground below. So, it wasn’t as intense as the filmmakers might have hoped us to feel about it.

With that fake cliff-hanger about the fate of purple man, came the biggest twist yet! The film ended with a poll: Which glowing stone should become the antagonist in the next Marvel movie?  All of us in the audience suddenly looked under our seats and found a remote to vote with. This was unexpected, and due to the panic of having to make a decision rather than just watching a movie, a lot of people started to scream and run out of the cinema. Some people were foaming from the mouth. One elderly woman was laughing maniacally near the front, pressing all the buttons at one time and making her vote invalid.

I’m not sure what the decision will be, as I watched Infinity war on the first night it was released, and I really couldn’t be arsed to watch any more superhero films, so I didn’t bother to go to the future again to see what the result is. So, for that, you will have to wait until you catch up in April.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS

The film was confusing and chaotic, but I enjoyed it for the most part. I might have enjoyed it more, if I wasn’t dwelling with the guilt of killing my past-self right at the entrance of the cinema, as well as feeling so angry about that attendant. I hope my future review has helped informed your decision about going to see Infinity war.

 

GOODBYE!