Reviewed by Judie
Not long ago I was made aware of a school that young people today seem to be very enthused about. Naturally, being down with the kids as I am, I made it my mission to research this school and carry out a much celebrated Offsted inspection. Much to my chagrin however, I could not locate ‘Hogwarts’ or its mysterious Head Master, and so I instead reviewed footage from several documentaries pertaining to the school’s function and day to day running. Needless to say I was shocked, appalled and outraged by what I witnessed. Here is the summarised version of the Offstead report I will soon be filing.
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School: Hogwarts
Location: UK, unknown location
Contact: (Upon requesting contact details from a five year old student wearing a Hogwarts sweatshirt, I was informed that the school only accepted mail via owl, and she would not, upon further interrogation reveal to me its fax or postal information. Attempts at accessing Twitter also proved unsecessful – but did amount to myself being called a ‘Muggle’, which I can only assume is a millennial term of endearment.)
Ratings:
Student wellbeing being: 1
Quality of teaching: 2
Ability of Head Master: 4
Student Learning: 2
Overall Rating: 2/5
Summary of findings:
The first documentary showed a young man in an abusive home being brought to the school on what I can only assume is a scholarship based on nepotism – it transpired that his deceased parents attended the school and are scholarly celebrities of sorts.
‘Harry’ was taken to buy school supplies by the school’s grounds keeper (although I highly doubt he was in posession of a valid DBS certificate!) The grounds keeper, hence forth referred to as ‘Hagrid’, then felt it was appropriate to bring the young student to the pub, where they found a teacher partaking in the Devil’s Nectar.
Anyway, upon reaching the school, a blonde boy harassed other children and not one teacher stepped in to stop it, making me doubt they even have an anti-bullying procedure in place! The students were then singled out and assorted into Houses via an unwashed hat (I dread to think how many headlice live among it) which is completely unsanitary and highly irregular.
In the very first assembly the Head Master (whose name sounds entirely fabricated and made from the altering of ‘double doors’) warns the students not to enter the Forbidden Forrest. This is when the first alarm bell started ringing, as there was no signage to indicate the danger of the forest and it had not been fenced off to prevent trespassing. But, despite the apparent danger lurking in the forest Hagrid decides to take the children in detention in- where they witness a man drinking the blood of a horse. Not only did Hagrid fail to alert the police, he also then failed to arrange councelling for the mentally scarred children.
However, before that all happens a ‘troll’ or an armed man in a costume enters the school and three students try to take him on in the bathroom.
One aspect, however, I was most impressed with was the investment the school had made in sports. While the sport itself (Quidditch) was dangerous, it succeeded in making children excited about exercise and teamwork. The orphan boy Harry proved to be very adept at the game which helped him to fit in.
The curriculum at the school was wildly sporadic, teaching “potions”, which I can only assume is code for bomb making or cooking methamphetamines, defence classes and biology – but crucially failing to teach English and maths. The library was adequate however the private part of the library I can only imagine houses Hagrids private collection of porn, was easily accessed by students during the night.
The children then researched a strange stone for geography and discovered a large three headed dog (which I doubt had had a rabies shot) at which point the children played it music and it fell asleep. The children then got caught in a Web like substance -proving that the school’s cleaners had been doing a lacklustre job- and barely managed to escape before they were forced to play a life sized game of chess. One student was injured and Harry went on without them and discovered the teacher from the pub, except that he had a face on the back of his head. It transpired that he was the man who drank horse blood and that he wants the stone for a geography exhibition or something (I was a little unclear.)
The teacher then attacks the student, mentally scaring him yet again by showing images of his dead parents. Cut to, Harry being treated in the school’s hospital (though he had had no blood work, MRI or X-Rays) accompanied by the Head master who frankly has a lot of answer for.
In conclusion, Hogwarts school has no regard for student safety, and has an unsatisfactory curriculum and a complete failure to background-check staff. They continue to allow bullying to take place, and even allow two male students to wander around at night with an invisibility cloak, with no consideration for the unsavoury implications. Dumbledore seemed to have an undue over interest in Harry and would often disappear and appear at random points in the school, leading me to conclude he has a secret network of tunnels used to spy on unsuspecting students. I would advise the government to order an inquiry into this school immediately!
I have yet to watch the other documentaries, however I will be writing a further report on each one.
Yours,
Judie.
(Dis)Honest Reviews 